Reigh’s Shiznit

Ms Snotty dearest, 

 
My problem, my first and foremost personal problem is that I have a tendency to make problems out of things that need not be made in to a problem in the first place. Basically, I'm paranoid. I'm paranoid and extremely freaked out about things most normal people wont bother asking themselves. My paranoia goes like this, I feel that I'm always followed, I feel that I'm always in danger, and I always feel something really bad might happen to the people I care about. Obviously this isn't normal so what should I do?
 
truly yours,
reighben-kins

It's normal. It's more normal than a man sucking another man's cock while wearing purple floral panties. A lot of people get to feel like that eventually, because we are so very mortal and so very frail—we may take our own good time to realize that, but we get there, and you are not the only one.

TheSite.org says that:

Anyone can experience mild feelings of paranoia as a result of things going wrong in their life, however, extreme paranoia is usually seen in people with mental health problems, or users of street drugs. People may develop paranoia at any age, but young people tend to have the most spectacular delusions, for example, that aliens are controlling my thoughts". Young men are affected slightly more than young women. 

So that narrows the cause of the problem down to three: you're a dopehead, you're apeshit crazy, or you're just like any normal person in the planet who experiences this problem at least once in their short lives.  If you're a dopehead, I suggest you quit the dope and seek professional help and maybe get into a filthy rehab with other filthy dopeheads. If you're simply apeshit crazy (along with 83% of the world, according to research I fabricated just five seconds ago), then go straight to professional help and find a straight jacket which goes well with your skin tone. If you're normal (which I'm kind of guessing you are from skimming your letter because I didn't read it at all), then I suggest you get more sex and more booze and maybe, I dunno, get a life. Or some macho hobby like wall-climbing or jewelry making. Something like that.

No, seriously. What I suggest you do is find a quiet place where you can think and meditate. Feel the wind blow on your face, look at the sun and the way its rays hit that precious dew on that pretty flower which smells like the cheap cologne you buy off 7-11. Then jump off that cliff you've been standing on.