Damien’s Heebie Jeebies

Dear Miss Snotty,

I have a short thing to ask you. What should I do when I see some girl in some spot, and find myself feeling quite the most uncomfortable feeling yet? I mean, I know it's terrible and all, but you know, right? Sure. I know for a fact that you've been a guy-magnet throughout most of your life… speaking of which, I'm trying to get rid of you right now.

 
Well, that's my entire letter. Oh, and I think I saw you somewhere today. I just thought… were you somewhere along the Podium?

Pulling the off switch,

Damien

 i know for a fact that you've been a guy-magnet throughout most of your life… 

This is quite insulting, young man. If little boys were ever attracted to me (because after all I'm still quite young), it was because they wanted my ass in a bad way. In a I'm-gonna-sock-your-jaw-if-you-don't-give-me-back-my-yoyo kind of bad way, if you know what I mean. So stuff that. I don't have much of a love life right now AT ALL, and I had a pathetic excuse for one back then. Long story. Needs beer and two teaspoons of MSG to get that out of me poor little broken black heart. 

But I digress. I'm supposed to give advice, good advice godammit. So. It's just the heebie jeebies of having a crush, Damien, nothing earth-shattering and distinctively worrying. Most people go through that once in a while, but it's more worrying for the boys because you're not supposed to show your feelings and act cool and shit. So this is what you should do:

1. Wear something nice.

2. Smell like something nice.

3. Have your armpits Botoxed or something so you stop sweating and ruining your 'do.

4. Do whatever it is that makes you feel like the hottest dick on earth, whatever it is. It may be taking a long, relaxing, warm bath before your next encounter with her, a hard game of ball to jack up the ego, write a poem or read a good book to put your mind at ease, a pedicure from Aling Ninya or a perm at David's. Anything to make you feel comfortable. It's all about the psyche, babe!

In the end it's all in the head (no pun intended). Just talk to her, say anything. If it comes out dumb then that's off my hands. Maybe you're born dumb and in which case, you'll die dumb. And girlfriend-less. Yeah. So take your chances and give it your best fucking shot. Just don't stand there, get it over with. I know I'm making it sound like a dirty task, but dirty tasks have a way of bothering you, and who knows, maybe get you into impulsive action that will make you lose all your chances of getting the girl.

Also, to make my (non-existent) stalkers happy: I pass by The Podium every morning and afternoon to and from work. So that should give you ideas, but as usual I have my ninja squad with me—don't try anything stupid. Especially you, Damien. And to shit about you trying to get rid of me. I know you love me, I know you love me.